Valuable Vietnam Views
- R
- Jan 27
- 6 min read
Updated: Apr 19
Since my first Thailand Top Tips, I have been inundated with thousands of emails from my many fans asking for more (as well as multi-million pound offers from Netflix and Expedia, which I can’t talk about). And so, as we have travelled the length of Vietnam from Ho Chi Minh City up to Hanoi, here are just a few of my tips for this beautiful country (for more, please subscribe to my Premium Blog at only £49.99 per month [1])
Height (still) Matters.
I feel like I am repeating myself, but it really is justified in Vietnam, perhaps more so from my experience. If you remember from my earlier Thailand Blog, the average height for Thais is 164cm (5ft 4½ inches) for males and 154cm (5ft and ½ in) for females [1]. Well, in Vietnam, the average height is 168cm for males (5ft 6in) and 156 cm (5 ft 1½ in) for females. Despite this increase in height, L still doesn’t care, and grannies who dare cross her path still go flying like skittles with disturbing frequency and gusto.
So what's the big deal? Heights are taller so that shouldn’t affect you as much? You won’t need to apply the 5 D’s of Thailand, shirley? Well yes, and as I’ll discuss later there are 6 D’s of Vietnam…
Café Crouching
Vietnam loves their coffee culture, and it is well justified (even though I don’t drink the stuff). You will find so many lovely boutique coffee shops with extensive menus that are well worth a visit and the subsequent caffeine jitters. However, for tall peeps like me, there are two main challenges:
1. Compact Chairs.
If you ever revisited your old primary school or attended your kids' one, you will have been amused at the tiny chairs and tables the cute kids use. You will find fancy versions of them in Vietnamese cafes. This may be a cultural evolution or adaptation following the traditional flat-footed squat so common in these regions and instilled into children so they develop and maintain flexibility and mobility in their hips, knees, and ankles into adulthood. For us stiff old, unfit Westerners, just picking up a t-shirt from the bed the wrong way is likely to pull an unused muscle or throw our back out for a day, so approach (and leave!) these chairs with caution. That said, they are actually very comfortable to use for extended periods while you watch the world go by.
2. Pitfalls of Parasol Placement
Due to space/capacity restrictions at these cafes, you will often find outside seating. With a hot/wet climate, it's appropriate that they have parasols to protect their customers from the baking hot sun or downpours, right? Well, remember those cute wee chairs and tables? It would be silly to combine those with high parasols as they wouldn’t provide the proper shade or cover, so they should be lower, right? Makes sense. Unless you are over six feet tall and now these parasols (and other metal framing) are at your jugular level as you try and walk past. People like L enjoy their height advantage and regally stroll past like they are HM the Queen (well, they did share the same name) with her own brolly carrier. Right…
Traffic Turmoil
Vietnamese traffic has a well-known reputation that has been discussed at length elsewhere so I won’t rehash the hassles you will experience. It is noisy, manic, and your head needs to be on a swivel. You will long to be back in Thailand. Even on pavements where scooters will hop on just to avoid queues or go the wrong way up a one-way street. Vietnam has recently offered rewards for reporting traffic offences. It’s a shame it's only for Vietnamese, as you could easily fund your holiday there with collected bounties…
Top Tip. For some reason, pedestrian lights aren’t present at every crossing point to alert you when it’s safe (ha, ha, ahahahh!) to cross.
However, you may find walk/don’t walk lights going in a different direction (clockwise or counter-clockwise) at crossroads. Maybe it’s a bulb-saving initiative? I dunno. Some (long) main multi-lane roads don’t have pedestrian lights, just an occasional zebra crossing – good luck with these (ah, my PTSD is coming back, Nurse!). So that’s why I recommend you apply the 6 D’s of Vietnam: dodge, duck, dip, dive, detour, and dodge.
[1] Cash only, no backsies or refunds. 5-year minimum subscription.
Essential Travel Accessory Tip - AetherGuard(TM)
Fed up allocating all of your brainpower while trying to scan the uneven pavements; avoid snapping your ankle on broken drain covers; losing traction on dusty sloping kerbs; predicting where scooters will drive; all while you try to navigate and yet try to have the time to enjoy the new sights and beauty around you? Yes?
Annoyed by the chain-smoking chimney beside you while you try and enjoy your drink or feel like you are surrounded by people who don’t know how to cover their mouth when they cough repeatedly? Yes?
Annoyed by loud, intrusive music from nearby venues? Yes?
Hate Koels? Yes?
Hate other people? Yes?
Well, these annoyances and more can be a thing of the past with my new invention (patent pending). This new travel accessory, powered by the latest in sensor hardware and AI technology, will transform your holiday experience. You will never want to leave home without one.
Friends, I present to you AetherGuard(TM). I have been working on this prototype during my spare time (can take the boy out of science but can’t take science out of the boy). This stealthy, lightweight device will have the following features and capabilities:
SCOPE – Street-Centric Omni-Positioning and Enhancement
8K Stereoscopic Augmented Reality Displays featuring:
LiDAR (Light Detection and Ranging) – For real-time mapping and your safe transit of those crazy broken pavements with their uneven slopes, pokey metal bolts, and those concrete steps placed at random.
FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared ) - when street lighting isn’t always great in areas. Also handy for helping you judge when the Pho is too hot to eat.
Image Intensification (Night vision) - When street lighting ain’t a thing, or you can’t find the light switch for the hotel bathroom.
Never again rely on your old eyes and slow judgment.
Other modules include:
FEARS – Farang Evasion and Avoidance Routing System. Using high-tech audio-visual sensors and satellite route mapping systems, the FEAR system provides the wearer with an early warning system, allowing you to avoid encounters with Westerners on your trips abroad. Highly customisable, you can select the nations you wish to avoid or perhaps don’t mind meeting (e.g. Canadians)
BREATHE – Better Respiratory Environment And Thermal Health Enhancement. This subsystem will filter out elevated PM2.5 levels and provide the wearer with respite from farangs and their love of ciggies (cheap and dodgy…). Personal air conditioning with biosafety level 3 HEPA filters can mean airplane flu will be a thing of the past (can be classed as a medical device, so it avoids carry-on limits on aircraft).
The AetherGuard(TM) also features two technologically advanced noise cancellation systems tailored for the seasoned traveller:
ZEN – Zero Environmental Noise. Perfect for the bustling streets of Vietnam, this system removes endless drone of bike and car horns. So effective it has to be used with SCOPE to ensure you don’t get run over.
HUSH – Harmonising Unwanted Sounds for Harmony. My personal pride and joy and one that I have spent a lot of time on. This uses sophisticated AI routines combined with audio sensors to ensure the wearer only hears what they want to hear.
Annoyed by hearing farangs haggling over 10 Bhat (£0.24)? Silenced.
Waiting ages for translated tannoy messages at the airport, only for them to be garbled? Redone in the clear and dulcet tones of ex-Dr Who, Tom Baker.
Is your wife rabbiting on about things that you have no control over or regurgitating the past? Mute them with the HUSH system, which works in tandem with the onboard BREATHE II AI response module (Balanced Responses, Eliminating Annoying Tirades, Harmonising Everytime), which generates wife-calming replies, synthesised using your own voice patterns.
The AetherGuard(TM) also protects the wearer from physical and ballistic assaults to the head.
The AetherGuard(TM) is still currently in development (the BREATHE II system is proving particularly tricky), but I hope to speak with funders on my return to accelerate its development so that I can put it into full use on my next trip.
Watch this space for ordering details!
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